2 years ago
I really don't want to talk about this because I feel like a broken record. Some of you may already know about this struggle I am about to spill over about. Why am I writing this? I don't know for sure really. Maybe it's for me. Maybe it's for you. Well, here it goes.
Why is the title of my post "2 years ago"? Well, that's because that's how long I've been waiting. That's how long I've been wanting. Yes, I want another child.
Why hasn't it happened yet? I'm not sure. A LOT has happened in the past 2 years. My body has gone through A LOT just this past year alone (Addison's). I understand that. Kind of. But it still doesn't change how I feel about having another baby.
This past weekend we had Stake Conference (it's a bigger church meeting) and at the Saturday evening session, a woman shared a story about her daughter, who had to wait 11 years to adopt her 2 children and have them sealed to her in the temple. She also talked about trusting in the Lord and not completely understanding why things happen the way they do, but to have that trust that everything will be okay in the end.
Earlier that morning we were at a relative's home and they brought up Samuel having a sibling. They said "I'm sure he's going to get a brother or sister real soon." And I nodded, and I felt hopeful inside. And then I go to stake conference later that night and hear that message. I feel like I have heard this exact message repeatedly for the past 3 months. (Trusting in the Lord during trials) I couldn't help but think, Lord, what are you trying to tell me?! Should I not get my hopes up? Should I not try anymore? I felt so confused.
Without a doubt, this has been THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. Do not get me wrong, please. More than anything in the world I want to trust God. I want to have that peace inside to know that everything is going to be okay, no matter how long I have to wait, no matter what I have to go through, God is there for me. He is!
I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for the knowledge that I have. The gospel of Jesus Christ gives me hope! It reassures me that I do have a purpose and that I am loved by my Heavenly Father. I am incredibly grateful for the life I have, for the loved ones who surround me, for the beautiful son that God has already sent to me. My desire for more children does not make me any less grateful for what I already have. God knows my heart. I just need to trust that He knows it better than I do.
If anybody reading this is struggling with infertility in any way, I just want to reach out to you and say that you are NOT alone. You are loved. "It will be alright in the end. Trust in God and believe in good things to come."
Why is the title of my post "2 years ago"? Well, that's because that's how long I've been waiting. That's how long I've been wanting. Yes, I want another child.
Why hasn't it happened yet? I'm not sure. A LOT has happened in the past 2 years. My body has gone through A LOT just this past year alone (Addison's). I understand that. Kind of. But it still doesn't change how I feel about having another baby.
This past weekend we had Stake Conference (it's a bigger church meeting) and at the Saturday evening session, a woman shared a story about her daughter, who had to wait 11 years to adopt her 2 children and have them sealed to her in the temple. She also talked about trusting in the Lord and not completely understanding why things happen the way they do, but to have that trust that everything will be okay in the end.
Earlier that morning we were at a relative's home and they brought up Samuel having a sibling. They said "I'm sure he's going to get a brother or sister real soon." And I nodded, and I felt hopeful inside. And then I go to stake conference later that night and hear that message. I feel like I have heard this exact message repeatedly for the past 3 months. (Trusting in the Lord during trials) I couldn't help but think, Lord, what are you trying to tell me?! Should I not get my hopes up? Should I not try anymore? I felt so confused.
Without a doubt, this has been THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH. Do not get me wrong, please. More than anything in the world I want to trust God. I want to have that peace inside to know that everything is going to be okay, no matter how long I have to wait, no matter what I have to go through, God is there for me. He is!
I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for the knowledge that I have. The gospel of Jesus Christ gives me hope! It reassures me that I do have a purpose and that I am loved by my Heavenly Father. I am incredibly grateful for the life I have, for the loved ones who surround me, for the beautiful son that God has already sent to me. My desire for more children does not make me any less grateful for what I already have. God knows my heart. I just need to trust that He knows it better than I do.
If anybody reading this is struggling with infertility in any way, I just want to reach out to you and say that you are NOT alone. You are loved. "It will be alright in the end. Trust in God and believe in good things to come."
Jessica. This is so wonderful, I just wished I was there to listen to those same words. Infertility comes in many packages, it's not only for families who have been trying for years and years for that little one joy. Infertility attacks families who already have children as well. Sure, I feel selfish for wanting more children when there are those who are longing for just one, but I know deep down I love being a mother so much that it hurts not having more special little people in my life. I know that my time will come and I know that we can face this together. The struggles are tough, but the rewards are worth the wait. And again, Thank you, Jessica.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're hearing messages that give you comfort. I know the Lord knows you're plight and has an answer, and I also know that if you continue to pray and keep your faith in Him, he will reveal that answer to you. And if it's not the answer you want, He will give you comfort. In the mean time, snuggle Samuel extra hard. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Jessica! It took a lot of courage to share this and I applaud you for reaching out to others who are struggling too. You are such an inspiration to me. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI understand how hard it is to trust in Gods plan when it is different than Our plan, but you are strong and very brave. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! I love you.
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