One day more...and postpartum psychosis

Hey there ...

So, I am still going to the library to write because we have no internet in the house.


I think I can finally understand to some degree what I have experienced in the past twelve months.



Since the birth of my son, I have experienced depression, anxiety and then mania and lots more of anxiety in the extreme of every emotion I have encountered, which is why I was labeled bipolar in the mental hospital.

I still don't know if that is the exact term that I would use for what I have gone through. Considering my son is still a little baby who has two months left until his first birthday, I think what I have gone through is called Postpartum Psychosis.


I just watched a documentary on YouTube about this, this morning, and I am pretty sure that I can say this is the label. Women who have extreme thoughts of killing themselves or their baby after the birth of the baby.

I really didn't think of killing myself but I was doing things that were putting myself into harms way without me even knowing that I was...


For example

I would run out in the morning on my own, with no phone, hiking up a road without letting anyone know where I was or when I would be back.

I could have been run over by a car...

I could have been mugged...

I could have been taken advantage of....



I think you get the idea.

I can honestly say that I had no idea what I was doing and that I thought I was in the right. I am very grateful to my family and to my God, for protecting me while my head was in the clouds.

At my lowest point I felt like no one cared about me....like everyone was against me and that no one would believe a word that I would say.

When I was high....I was invincible. I could go conquer the world and no one could stop me. No matter what they had to say about it.


So....what now?

I go back to my life, my real life. I come back to my husband, to my kids....I come back to the home life that I cherish so much but I had forgotten about in my quest to conquer the world.

So.....

here's to that real life.